IS THERE A SCRIPTURAL BASIS FOR COURTSHIP?

Hello beloved,

I was asked the question by a Christian brother of mine, who has become a good friend to me, “Adam, can you give me some Scriptures that point to courting over dating?” That’s a great question. After all, do not the Scriptures address everything? Of course they do. In one way or the other, the Scriptures have the answer to every question.

However, to answer the questions, I don’t think that the Scriptures provide a clear-cut model of what courtship should look like. But I do believe that we are given some very good principles. From those principles, we need the wisdom of God to show us how to arrive at the goal. What is the goal? I’m so glad you asked. I’ll do my best to answer that before I finish writing this article.

When I have taught about courtship there are two main points that I try to hit. My first point is found in the Song of Solomon 2:7b, 3:5b and 8:4b. These verses say, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” God has given a set time in every individual when love should be awakened. That’s an obvious biblical principle. My second point is that a young person should, at all costs, flee sexual immorality and youthful lusts. That principle is found in 1 Corinthians 6:18 and 2 Timothy 2:22.

The Scriptures are very clear on these two points. However, you really have to dig in to find the answer of “How do we raise our children to fulfill these principles?” There is not an expositional sermon that I can give you on what the Bible says that courtship is. Much of what I have learned has come from the wisdom of those who have gone before me. I’m not always for the pragmatic approach, but at times, it does us well to look at those who have marked out the path. You can look at those who have set a good example and compare it to the bad examples set by modern American dating. Need I say more?

“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” (Song of Solomon 2:7b, 3:5b and 8:4b) NIV

This is a very important point. I have found it gets skipped though. That is unfortunate. So is the fact that Christendom makes the mistake, far too often, of slapping Christian labels on worldly practices. I have known many who love to announce to the church that they are courting so and so. The problem is, they have skipped the most important step. What is that? Reaching biblical manhood or womanhood. And because a boy hasn’t reached manhood, he’s usually too much of a little boy to embrace any of the other principles. If you disagree, I dare you to ask a boy, in a relationship, if he had the nerve to talk to the girl’s parents before “asking her out.”

In the verse above, it is obvious that God has all of the intentions to awaken love in a young person. I can’t give you a certain age, but around twelve would be a good estimate of when this happens in most. When a young person begins to notice the opposite sex, this does not mean that it is time to begin the pursuit. No, this means that it is time to start the journey from childhood to adulthood. And, just so you know, adolescence is a lie from the pit of Hell. It is based off of a false evolutionary model which causes boys to stay boys until they are thirty five. In case you disagree, do a little research on the average age for computer gamers. You would think it would be a young teen. Nope, try early thirties.

I won’t address all that it takes to reach biblical manhood or womanhood in this article. That is an entirely different article. It is also a subject that many others have done a wonderful job of addressing. If you are interested, I would love to give you some resources. But, I’ll end this point with a word for all you boys and girls out there who want to become men and women of God. Paul said it best in 1 Corinthians 13:11 when he said, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” Beloved, there comes a time to put away all of the childish things. You want to be treated like a adult? Then, stop acting like a child.

“Flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Corinthians 6:18a) NIV
“Flee also youthful lusts” (2 Timothy 2:22a) KJV

Beloved, all through scripture we are told to battle with sin. Paul tells us in Ephesians 6:11 to stand against the devil’s schemes. In James 4:7, we’re told to resist the devil and he will flee. With Christ, we can stand and fight the devil. He is no match. However, Scripture tells us to “flee from sexual immorality” and to “flee youthful lusts”. You know what that says to me? Our own flesh is more of a match for us, than Satan himself. We shouldn’t try to stand and fight our lusts. We should flee any opportunity to feed them. That doesn’t mean to flee the opposite sex, but you should flee any opportunity to be alone with the opposite sex.

That’s where we use a biblical principle to provide a model of reaching the goal without falling. This model has been mapped out by many others, in generations past. And you won’t have to go back too far. If you do your homework, you will find that the practice of dating is a modern phenomena. You can also trace the breakdown of the home, in America, to the time when dating was embraced. After all, is the practice of dating not just the practice of divorce? It teaches us that if things aren’t going well, just move on and find a better one.

One of the most important principles in courtship, other than when a young person can begin courting, is the principle that the two courting should never be alone together. Well, before I say “never”, let me explain. The raging hormones of two young people of the opposite sex, who are attracted to one another, are too strong for something not to happen if they are alone together for an extended period of time. I could almost guarantee that.

However, I believe it is up to the parents of the two to established the rules of engagement. I think a time and place should be provided for them to spend time together without being bothered. But that would need to take place at one of their houses with the parents being home, and never behind a closed door. Also, I would say that going to dinner, late in the courtship process, might be OK. However, I don’t think they should ride alone in a car together. You might say that this doesn’t show much trust in your children. Well, you’re right. But I am not called to trust my children. I am called to protect them and raise them in the fear of God.

So, those are just a couple of the Scriptures that I believe point us toward a good model of how to bring a young man and young woman together, in holy matrimony, without their purity being compromised. And I believe that that is the goal. We need to protect them and show them how this can be done.

There are definitely many other Scriptures that point us toward this model. Hopefully, as time allows, God will give me the grace to write on each of these. Not just for you, but for me as well. I don’t know it all. That’s for sure. But I have set my heart toward knowing all that I can about raising my children to be men of integrity and women of virtue. May God give me the grace to do so.

And may He do the same for you.

In Christian love,
Adam Tennant